Ha!

So, remember way back when (and by "way back when" I mean Thursday) I predicted I wouldn't last more than four days? Well, today is day four, so HAHAHA - eat it, doubting douchebags!

And by "doubting douchebags" I mean... me. The greatest little skeptic of them all. Now I want Leonard Nimoy to sing my ballad of my self-deprecation.

I like pleasantly surprising myself about myself though, so, to quote Thor, "My friends! This is GOOD!"

Look at this charming Asgardian! Let his joviality infuse your spirits with similar cavalier confidence! 

And now, to undercut all this happiness - which I've been pleasantly rolling along on, following an enjoyable evening playing with Jason's kitten at his belated birthday party, followed by in-depth Meyers-Briggs discussions with the ladyfriend (seriously, check out your personality type and what it says about you. This stuff revs my engine) - my fact of the day. In typical Kevin form, it's going to gleefully undercut all this happiness.

Fact #4: Killer whales systematically attack, incapacitate, and kill sharks.

Fo' realsies. The esteemed Dr. J is the one who informed me of this today (after a rousing discussion of dolphin penises and duck rape, because this is where all too many of my conversations seem to go these days), but this page corroborates it. Just in case you didn't believe Jason. And, let's be honest (I still always want to say "Lesbihonest" - thanks Pitch Perfect, circa Fame folks): who could not believe that sweet, trustworthy, perpetually twelve-year-old face?

So, for those of you too lazy to click a link, basically what happens is that the pack of orcas surround the soon-to-be-victim shark, and basically corral it to the surface by surrounding it, and swishing their tails to create a vortex of water that forces the shark up. Once the shark is at the surface of the water, one of the whales thwacks it with its tail to stun it.

The site calls this "karate chopping" it, and if that isn't the best visual you've had all day, then I just don't know what to do with you - to stun it. I'm picturing the killer whale character from Street Sharks (yep, I've now officially made it a mission to plug all of my favourite under-appreciated kids cartoons from the 80s/90s - next up: Bucky O'Hare, who I'm sure we'll here more about here) doing karate.

Fear my karate, bitches! 

Then, the real nasty stuff begins.

Hum the Jaws theme here, but flip the 'predator/prey' dichotomy.

After the shark is stunned, the whale flips it upside down. When sharks are upside down, their systems apparently get all discombobulated (the website calls it "tonic immobility"), which leaves them essentially too confused, disoriented, and proverbially acid-tripping to move. This means that the shark essentially suffocates over time, at which point the orcas start to eat them. Often, they are too impatient/badass to even wait until the shark is fully dead to start chowing down.

Apparently, scientists are mystified as to how the whales knew to do this, apart from trial and error showing them that this method led to the least resistance from the sharks, making it the most efficient and safe means for a killer whale to enjoy a nice meal of... shark.

Some might find this cruel and horrifying. I find it fascinating, and kind of commendable in its ruthless badassery. That said, this feeds into a larger project of mine of trying to divorce animals from traditional morality (including humans! We're animals too, folks!), and instead appreciate their evolutionary means of sustaining their existence on the planet. Killer whales starving sharks to death may not be 'cute' or 'noble' or whatever other inapplicable adjectives people would normally apply to them. But it sure does make sense. And I think it's pretty nifty.

It's also occurred to me that Chelsea will probably use this as further fodder towards her intense fear of whales. I can't really fault her for that.

And with that, yay animal death! Yay 5:00 am! I've been informed that most human beings typically sleep, so I'm going to engage in a social experiment of trying that out. "Yes please," murmurs Kristy next to me. How she's still awake is beyond me. Hasn't she learned yet not to try to keep pace with my eccentricities? Sheesh.

So, on that note, I will leave you with the Bucky O'Hare theme song (seriously! It's fantastic! I promise! The ship's name is "The Righteous Indignation"! What's not to love?), and amble off to have blissful dreams of murderous whales. Or someone finally making those live action/performance captured versions of Bucky O'Hare and Street Sharks that I've always dreamed of. Maybe even me. Sigh.

BAI.